Untitled

Tonight I’m so alone

The tendrils of darkness brush against your skin, waiting for even the smallest of weak spots to show so it can pierce through your shields. It senses what your body is pleading to yield to, and wants to be part of the reason you’re being torn down.

Light is its weakness, and right now that is the only thing keeping it at bay. You squint at the blinding light of your phone in the emptiness of your bedroom, fixated on the name sitting low on your messages list. It reverberates in your head, unable to reach the tip of your tongue.

It’s too easy to find yourself falling into the history of your messages, scrolling to your heart’s content. At least, that’s what you hoped it would be like. Instead, your heart squeezes as you painstakingly analyse each word. Your eyes sting and your vision blurs, obscuring the screen and giving you a moment to breathe as shivers dart along your skin. The rectangle of light comes into focus again, and you itch to have your thoughts appear on the screen. But every time you find yourself staring at the blank message bubble, words become a fleeting memory, too far away to grasp.

You don’t realise your breaths are shaking until you try to push your fingers to move across the digital keyboard. Your body feels like it’s being torn apart, with one part of you yearning for the bubbles on the screen to come to life, while the other part is holding you back, preventing you from making a single letter appear.

Never wanna be so cold

***

22 Nov 2024 at 12:27 pm

Exams are almost finished
omggg I can’t wait for when
they’re done!!

Yessss we’re almost there!
We can do it!!! 💯💯

You loved “Yessss we’re almost
there! We can do it!!! 💯💯”

          How many do u have left??

2 more! Viscomm and
physics

U?

Just 日本語 (japa)

Ooo yay! 1 more!

***

A gameplay video plays in the background, unseen but heard, drowning out the silence with something to keep your ears from producing their own sounds. The window of your bookshelf reflects the light from your laptop and hides the titles you love dearly, safely protected from dust, unlike your instrument hanging on the wall behind you. Your desktop is littered with so many files it’s hard to keep track of what you were doing beforehand, and it’s only making it harder to concentrate. Too many thoughts are swirling in your head, sparks of connections with the screen drawing you further and further into a place so dark and cold you can’t even tell if there’s anyone else down there.

All the words that leave my tongue

It was like it came from someone else

You teeter on the edge, drawing slow breaths into your lungs to keep your chest from tightening. Blue light sears your eyes, and your fingers shake as they’re held above the keyboard, waiting for their command. They urge to feel the satisfaction of pressing the keys, the click of the motion paired with the letter appearing before your eyes.

If you darken your screen enough, there’s a person sitting there, but you can’t tell if they’re watching you. Their silhouette is haunting, a reminder that this could be the person you become. A figure trapped in the confines of a cage.

***

23 March 2025 at 3:07 pm

Hey!! How’s uni going? I was
thinking we could catch up
during semester break, if you
don’t have anything on 🙃

23 March 2025 at 6:18 pm

Hellooooo!! 🤩🤩 Uni
is good! Got a lot of work
to do but I’m enjoying it.

Would love to catch up
during sem break! Maybe
we could try that store in
the city I mentioned last
time?

Oooo yes that’s a good idea!! What days are you free?

***

A long beep signals the doors have locked. There are too many people in the carriage, so you’re forced to stand, gripping the pole beside you to steady your balance as the train begins to move to the next station. The carriage doesn’t feel claustrophobic, exactly, though the silence holds you still and never fails to steal the air when you try to speak.

The train slowly comes to a halt and unlocks the doors, and you step away to make as much room as possible. You awkwardly pull your bag from your shoulders and secure it between your legs as others who walk in do the same.

Once the beep comes again, silence quickly suffocates the sound. You draw your eyes to the window, noting the baby blue of the morning sky capturing the dark tree leaves. It all goes by in a blur, too fast for your sluggish mind as it tries to wake itself.

You adjust your grip on the pole as the carriage wobbles across the turn and blink away the outside world. You’re the only one awake; everyone else is consumed by their phones, sucked into a world that is not their own. You can’t deny that you haven’t done the same, but today you keep yourself focused and do nothing but watch, knowing they’ve taken the blue pills, and you’ve taken the red.

***

Curiosity took over. The Instagram video is too long to replay, so you spend every second drinking in the changes. Her curly hair has been straightened, and hoop earrings hang to her shoulders. Her affinity for plaid skirts and fitted tops has been replaced by an outfit more suited to the chilly winter night—not unusual, but you’ve rarely seen her dress so casually for a night out.

She’s standing next to your other friend as they share their thoughts on the event, the night sky swallowed up by the venue behind them. Even as your eyes trace every line of her silhouette, you’re constantly brought back to her face. She smiles at the camera, and even though part of you wants to smile back through the screen, you can’t.

Reach for me

There are no ties that you can pull on to make her come back; all the threads had been weathered and broken long before you realised it. There is no way for your words to reach her. Even if you spotted each other in the crowd, you know you would hesitate. You know your words would clog your throat, and you’d be left to offer little more than a smile to remind her—or to perhaps remind yourself—that you’re okay, and you’re glad to see she is, too.

In quick succession, you deleted the tab and step away from the screen. You try to swallow the sudden surge of energy but all it does is rush to your eyes. You hold back the tears, trying your best to crawl your way out of the hole you’ve been sinking into.

It normally haunts your thoughts until you go to sleep, and when you wake up you can settle into your natural rhythm. But sometimes, it has nothing to do with seeing her face, nor hearing her name. Sometimes, you’re in your own thoughts, or you overhear a single word and then you’re falling back into it again.

***

10 April 2025 at 11:49 am

Look what I foundddd 👀

sent a picture

15 April 2025 at 1:02 pm

Loved “*sent a picture*”

Oooo nice!!

15 April 2025 at 2:53pm

Hehe, found it at the
bookstore!

You emphasised “Oooo
nice!!”

21 May 2025 at 3:46pm

The tickets are out!!

sent a link

You still interested in
going?

4 June 2025 at 4:13pm

Tickets close soon!!

24 June 2025 at 2:40pm

Hey, just checking in! You
haven’t replied to my +++
messages in a while, so just
 wanted to make sure ur ok
😊

***

You close your eyes, but it’s not completely dark, not with your screen providing enough light to make the absence of it look more grey than black. Your mouth shapes words that spill from your mind to your tongue in whispers. You’re speaking to someone—or perhaps no one—about everything and anything, hoping that externalising every ache in your heart will purge it.

Your words dissolve into the dark space of your room. You let the tears roll down your cheeks until you taste salt upon your lips. Your illuminated screen pierces through the peace you’re trying to find, and with a huff you reach to turn it off, tossing it behind you so it lands on the soft covers of your bed.

You lean your head against your mattress and stare at the ceiling, trying to cast every thought from your mind. Your toes curl into the carpet for warmth that you can’t truly experience unless you climb back under the covers of your sanctuary, waiting for the moment you’ve numbed yourself enough to finally sleep.

***

Without realising it, you’ve pulled her into your story. You didn’t mean to, but as soon as this character appears wearing a plaid skirt, it’s too late. The developing image you’ve been creating for your character shifts before you, until it’s her.

Something fearful seizes your heart as you backspace and try for another word—anything to keep you away from that dreaded piece of clothing. Your breath hitches as nothing comes to mind, but you force yourself to remain calm, replacing the word with a spam of underscores.

It isn’t perfect, but it’s enough to return your character to how they’re supposed to look, and you settle. You move on to the next section of the story, allowing yourself to get lost in your writing, moving from scene to scene. Only after weeks have passed do you find yourself back at the underscores, remembering why they were necessary. You feel a familiar tightening of your chest, but it doesn’t hold you until you feel like you can’t breathe. It’s more … uncomfortable, like it simply wanted to remind you.

You didn’t want it to remind you, but it was better than the alternative.

***

8 August 2025 at 10:53 am

Hey, are you okay?
You haven’t replied
in a while

15 September 2025 at 4:43pm

Hey sorry I haven’t been
replying to your messages.
I feel really bad about it.
I’ve been really busy lately,
but it was wrong to ignore
you.

Unfortunately, I don’t think
I can continue our
friendship. This has
nothing to do with you,
so don’t blame
yourself. I hope you can
find some really good
friends and good luck
with your studies and
future.

Thank you for being
my friend.

***

I was trapped in a thousand nights with no escape

You never know if you will be able to tread water, or if you will flail and be forced to close your eyes against the sting of liquid. Sometimes you prepare for the moment you allow your feet to lose contact with the sand beneath, and other times it’s too hard to think about and you simply follow the waves.

You’re standing on the platform, drenched in cold sweat, waiting for the train to sweep you away. You’re not sheltered, so the wind takes the opportunity to rip through your clothes like the layers of warmth are nothing. Your breath is a translucent cloud, evaporating into the air in smoke-like whisps.

 The curiosity you’d felt last night when your friend sent you a video had quickly diminished when you’d discovered that she was there with her. It didn’t matter too much; you hadn’t been interested in going anyway. But there’s still that one part of you that stumbles at the thought of her becoming someone who’s only connected to you through the sharing of mutual friends.

Nightmares taking me over

You shiver, wrapping your arms around your body to conserve at least a little bit of heat as you wait for the train’s rumble to reach you. Your phone sits close enough to your body that you would be able to feel it vibrate, but you still itch to wrap your fingers around it. The feeling is heavy, pressing down on your shoulders, but you resist.

You try to push away the thoughts trying to invade your body, but they run along your bones and sink into the crevices you wanted them to avoid.

But that’s okay. You allow it to happen, clenching your jaw as they settle into place. Your hands shake at the thought of them sitting there, but you push it to the back of your mind as the train’s announcement cuts through the air, and you finally feel the vibration of the train beneath your feet.

Now I’m wide awake

***