KNOW WHO YOU’RE DINING WITH

WORDS BY J’AIME CARDILLO

Dedicated to all the food lovers who have to dine with the intolerable eaters.

THE SPOON-FEEDER                 

Here, try some, taste it. No, really, here.

THE SPLITTER

I really want … ooh, but I really want … who wants to get two and share?

THE PICKER

*Takes fries off your plate*

THE SAVER

Back off those fries.

THE ADAPTER

Can I please have my spinach sautéed not fresh, my mushrooms without oil but lightly salted and my eggs at 60 degrees rather than fried. And two rashers of bacon without the fat on.

 THE ACCOUNTANT

Did you really have three glasses of wine, or was it three and a half?

THE CONTROLLER

Okay, we’re doing the calamari, trio of dips, the antipasto platter and fries for the table. We’ll do a bottle of wine and three desserts to share.

THE NEWCOMER

Wait, what’s foie gras?

THE COFFEE SNOB

What altitude were these beans grown at? Were they processed naturally? Have you been to the point of origin?